Becoming comfortable

Wow, almost a month since my last update...time has flown by.

Even though it's only been about four weeks, I can't help but feel in that time I've grown a lot. I feel I'm really coming into my own, becoming comfortable with who I am and that is probably one of the most uplifting feelings I think someone can have. Whether it's because I've been hitting the gym for those endorphins a lot more lately or that I've created a second family with my friends, I feel almost invincible.

I took a trip this weekend to visit 'the friend' I've spoken about in previous entries. To refresh memories, he's the one who I conveyed my love for a while back and continue to care about immensely. What I thought was a good idea, a care free, spontaneous adventure ended up being quite the emotional roller-coaster. I thought I was going to be strong enough to see him and not blur the lines of love and friendship but it was made clearly evident that was not the case. It's annoying knowing how you should feel but not be able to force yourself to feel that way. He's going through things in his own life where what he needs is a friend and I realized it's not fair to want from him what he can't give. While I want to be the one to enlighten him and help him grow, I can't do that when, subconsciously, I'm hoping my help is what will make him love me. He loves someone else and I accept that, rejection is just a hard pill to swallow. All that matters in the end though is that he knows I will always be there for him.

I was talking to my mom about the matter and she pointed out something that I wasn't unaware of and really isn't hard to see but it's worth noting. I have a habit of falling for people I can't have and while, in the gay world that tends to mostly revolve around wanting what you can't have, I don't feel that's my motivation most of the time. Either way I'm at the point in life now where I'm not looking for jaunts with taken men or random hookups from the bar. Don't get me wrong, sexual gratification is something I find necessary to keeping my sanity, however I want something real, something long term.

Anyways, I have two weeks before I go home for Thanksgiving. I couldn't be more excited to go home. I miss my family so much and it will be good to get back. Family has just been such a vital tool in shaping who I am today, I can't fathom what life would be like without one.

I leave you with some awesome artwork by Tierney Gearon. I promise to update in a more timely manner next time. Enjoy.








xo

Friendship

I've had this entry started on the computer for quite some time now. I have a lot to catch up on over the month that I've been absent so I'm going to make these two separate entries. This first blog was written during the early morning hours where I apparently was feeling quite emotional about the people in my life, this is what was produced:

My best friend is an enabler. He might have unknowingly and single handedly ruined me for life. He is the pedestal at which I subconsciously measure most if not all my relationships up to..

Drew and I's relationship took literally years of work. I still don't think either of us know exactly how it managed to become what it is but I think we'd be lost without it, at least I know I would. Without better words of explanation, he is the Yin to my Yang and vice versa. I'm saying this more for his sake, it's something I know inside but it's important to know when you're appreciated. Drew you are loved AND appreciated.

It seems to be a common occurrence that friends tend to come in and out of my life at constant rate. I'd like to think it's not all my fault, that they don't end up resulting in life long relationships because of my doing but if the trend keeps repeating you have to step back look at it from different perspectives. One could see it as a necessary weeding out process, some could see it as just being lazy.

I find I have a habit of dealing with things, relationships in particular, in a not-so-healthy way. Instead of allowing myself to feel pain, such pain that comes with the loss of friendships, I bury it. Instead of fighting for the friendships I've invested in, I allow them to dissipate. The mindset of "well if I've been the reason for the trouble in our relationship then apparently I'm your right fit". It's not that I find my friendships expendable, I do cherish the relationships I have, I just fall back on the cop out of "if it's meant to be, it's meant to be". I fail to realize the road goes both ways; when I invest, they invest. I've hurt people very dear to me at one point in time without even realizing it. It was selfish thinking that I was making a decision that was in both our best interests. This is only something I've allowed myself to become aware of recently and addressing it is a way of trying to change myself for the better. While I'm not the best at admitting mistakes I've made, I know this one's a must and while I can't name everyone thats been affective negatively from this way of thinking, I need to apologize. So I'm sorry.

xo

Oh Boy

Man I suck at commitment.. I've been pretty busy doing other things. Taking time to sit down and write is a luxury I just haven't found time for lately.

What's going on in my life?.. good question.

I have to say it's pretty day-to-day right now, as for the nights, seem to blur together most of the time.

Friday night I went and saw Hair, the musical. An awesome performance and definitely one I highly recommend. Saturday, Jonathan and I met up with Christina and her dog Coco and strolled through Central Park. Later that night, Phillip, a coworker/friend from Fire Island came in town. We saw one of our faves, Dj Vito at Barracuda and ended up passing out back at my place. Yesterday was a pretty chill day at Robbie's with Jonathan, we watched the amazing piece of work that is The Bodyguard and ate homemade tuna casserole. Matt came over and we attempted to go to Barracuda but ended up seeing a show at Stonewall.

I had class today, nothing too eventful. I need an internship or hobby real bad or even just a new book...suggestions? While can usually find plenty of stuff to do, those rare down moments can be quiet boring...

What do you do when you know someone is completely delusional. While it might seem easier just to knock them down and put them in their place, there's always the issue of tact that comes to mind. I don't want to hurt them, while they may be frustrating the shit out of me and putting their nose in places it doesn't belong, I can't be cruel. However, placating them and allowing them to continue spewing nonsense and living in their own little bubble isn't working either. I just HATE confrontation when I know I can avoid it. There needs to be a happy medium where I can get my point across but I'm not really seeing it right now.

While I've got time I guess I might as well catch you up to speed on the love endeavor. I asked in an earlier blog whether I should "tell the person I love that I love them, when, from my perspective, they're not in the position to reciprocate" and I eventually decided it was. I'm not really sure what I was looking for in response and there's still a conversation to be had but I'm glad it's off my chest. While being in limbo isn't most pleasurable feeling, I know I've done the most I could.

Sometimes stepping back an realizing how much life there is left to live allows for a much better perspective on everything. I don't think I could be in a better position right now; I couldn't ask for better friends and family, I go to a great school and live in a city with endless opportunities. All is well.

I leave you with pictures of innovative and fun business card and business card holders. enjoy

xo

The Human Synth

Sorry for the absence, I've been in Boston helping Jonathan get his things together for the big move into his new apartment. I'll go into more detail eventually but I thought I'd share this fun video came upon of an artist performing his new single with a bunch of bikini clad women made into a human synthesizer. Check it out-

HUGE

Today I made a BIG boo boo, HUGE. So bad I had to make a short term and long term GOALS list. The repercussions could be really rough, we're crossing our fingers and drinking heavily for the best.

Tra la la, though. It's the weekend, I'll deal with it on Monday. No point in looking in the rear view mirror, what's behind you is in the past.

Last night was an epic FAIL. No need to get into it but let's just say Cherry Starburst was the savior. The night before ,however, was baller. Jonathan, Robbie, Jeff and I had a arts & crafts night. As soon as we've all finished our creations I'll get them posted. Who knew coloring would be so time consuming..

Last night did however allow for the basis of a little rant I'd like to get into... Jonathan and I were listening to a couple leaked songs from JoJo's upcoming album and for the life of me, I just don't understand why the hell she isn't huge? She has an amazing voice, one that challenges the current stars of now like Jordin Sparks, Leona Lewis, and even Miley Cyrus.. Her label SUCKS and personally I feel she should still go through with the lawsuit. She could have been a Miley by this point in her life?!... I mean who didn't jam out and maybe sometimes cry to 'leave, get out' or 'too little to late'... chyea.. here's a couple links for her new stuff. check it out.



Jojo - "Keep on Forgetting to Forget About You"

Jojo - "Wrong Man for the Job

Anyways it's been a long day, I was distracted through most of it so I forgot about my vow to blog at least once a day.. I've found though, a bottle of Fleischmann's and cran can inspire great writing. Night out with the boys; I'm leaving you with photographs I found that were taken with long exposure, enjoy.

Absolutely not!?

Apparently there are talks about letting the Panda Bears go extinct, I highly hope this is just talk. I couldn't imagine a world without those little guys. To walk through the Natural Museum of History and see them next to the Woolly Mammoth?!? I think not. Here's the link to the short article on ABC.com

Wild Life Expert Says Let the Pandas Die - ABC News

There is definitely no "pragmatic choice" to be made here, they are too damn cute to be wiped of the face of the earth. How could you say no funding to this?!?


Here's the Panda's International Donation website and the World Wildlife Federation donation site. If you feel so moved as to give money to support the furry creatures, go for it.


Panda's International

WWF Panda Donation

Thanks

xo